This was our deal, our agreement; we spoke, we believed it, we lived it; for 22 years, and then, on a random Wednesday night, mid-November, it became an option, or rather, my reality. I still cannot begin to understand or explain why, but in a few short hours, I went from a wife, anxious to see her husband when he came home from the gym, to sitting on my garage floor trying to process the stark reality of the words spoken to me when he came home.
See, as my story unfolds, we were actively involved in our church. We had an almost 22 year marriage, we counselled and encouraged other couples along the way, we hosted and led a small group in our home, we served in many ministries, and were raising our children to believe in the whole Bible. ALL of it, including, the covenant of marriage, and nothing but death shall break it. And I never feared divorce. Ever.
This particular Wednesday night was a big deal, because it was the first evening in over a month I had been home before he went to bed, as I had been helping my family clean out my recently deceased grandmother's house. I was finished. I could resume my normal life. And tonight, this night, I was going to be at home, wrapped in my "safe" place, my husbands arms. But. that was not the path that was in front of me; he had something that needed to be said, and while he didn't want to hurt me, he needed to let me know. While he loved me, he was no longer in love with me. Wait, what?!?
You see, for years, in countless marriage classes and seminars, we heard, then shared with others who were struggling that sometimes love isn't a feeling, it is a choice. Your spouse does or says something that makes them unloveable in the moment and you CHOOSE to love. Your spouse spends a season being unloveable, yet you CHOOSE to love them through it. But all of a sudden, this wasn't what he believed?
I could tell this story from the position of scorned wife, and speak out faults, and things I over-looked along the way, but I prefer to share a story of victory. I'm not there yet. The divorce isn't final, in fact, we are in the early stages of filing. But what I know, is that resting in my Father's arms, I have nothing to fear. See, we humans, we are flawed individuals, all of us.
Where am I currently? I have two children who depend on mom to get up every day and still provide for their needs and to comfort them emotionally. I have been blessed with godly people who have remained in my circle, who support and love me....who have listened to me cry, rant, be angry, and then reach places of realization. LOTS OF REALIZATIONS. I pray that in time, I can pen some of realizations in a tasteful manner, but until I discover that method, you'll have to trust that I've learned a lot - about me, about him, about Christ, about love, and about commitment.
I'm not bitter and this shocks many. I don't even cry over the loss anymore. I felt bad for this, because it made me wonder did I not love him enough? I did. But at some point, I, like David did countless times through the Psalms, cried out to Him, yelled at Him, felt deserted by Him, and realized that just like David, God never left my side. He was my comfort. He has good in store for me. So why should I sit in a place of depression and grief, over actions and choices of a flawed human, when I am still a young woman, raising brilliant kids, and still believe (gasp - I know this will be a shocker to many) in the covenant of marriage and that love does exist AND that I will find it again.
I'm not bitter and this shocks many. I don't even cry over the loss anymore. I felt bad for this, because it made me wonder did I not love him enough? I did. But at some point, I, like David did countless times through the Psalms, cried out to Him, yelled at Him, felt deserted by Him, and realized that just like David, God never left my side. He was my comfort. He has good in store for me. So why should I sit in a place of depression and grief, over actions and choices of a flawed human, when I am still a young woman, raising brilliant kids, and still believe (gasp - I know this will be a shocker to many) in the covenant of marriage and that love does exist AND that I will find it again.
See? He didn't do this to me, but He will take me through it; NOTHING in my life is waste. He promised a future and a hope (Jeremiah 29:11), and I will cling to that hope and belief in my future. Many talk about their calling in life, I've always felt and believed, that my ministry I felt called to first and foremost was a wife and mom. I still believe this. God and I have had many conversations about this, and when I journal about my calling and future, He will not allow me to remove wife from my ministry. Why? Because He placed that desire in me and He will not waste it.
This is only the beginning of my story, certainly not the end.......and I get to share it with you, as it develops, beauty and messes....knowing that all along, He planted the knowledge in me, through His Word that "& if not (if things don't work out the way I planned, or according to His plan, because of human free will), He is still good." - Daniel 3:18
So welcome to my story, my journey, &..........
